Life-Sustaining Lemon Muffins
FACT: Gluten.
What is it? Well, the truth is, nobody really knows. I guess you could say it’s a lot like the mysteries that lie deep in the darkest waters of the ocean, or like 5G. Is it harmful to my children? Possibly. Does it make my tummy ache? No. My tummy is fine. Is it unhealthy? The fact of the matter is we just don’t have all the facts in on gluten yet. Gluten has stumped so-called mainstream scientists for decades, despite its recent popularity on TV, in health food stores and adult magazines. So why am I bringing it up, you wonder? Good question. I’ll tell you why. Because it makes for God damn good muffins.
What else would you make muffins with? Some alternative flour? Yeah, we’ve all seen how alternatives work out. I think I speak for all of us when I say: We’re ready for the real thing, America. Sorry for getting political, but I’m just sick and tired of the anti-gluten agenda being shoved down my throat every time I turn on the TV. It’s disrespectful. I lived off of nothing but flour, water, and a pulp I made from carpenter ants during my accident, and I thank Her divine wisdom every day I’m alive for the life-sustaining power of wheat flour. If it weren’t for the kindness of one of my captors who sneaked me a couple of cups of flour here or a teaspoon of xanthan gum there, I don’t know how I would have survived my accident.
Consider that before the next time you attack me for my dietary beliefs.
Anyway – I’ll let you in on a little secret, and no I won’t have to kill you after I tell you. Just don’t tell your friends or I’ll fucking kill them. You want to use room temperature butter and warm milk. Milk no warmer than 105 degrees. If it’s too warm you’ll cook the eggs, but if it’s not warm enough you’re not going to get the incredible texture that only gluten can provide. Trust me, get this right and you’ll be able to live through almost anything. Also I put oats in mine because I can’t shit right.
Lemon Chia Muffins with Oats:
Ingredients:
2 Cups All-Purpose Flour (no substitutions!)
½ Cup white sugar
¼ Cup old-fashioned oats
1 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon baking powder (try to use the aluminum-free kind)
1 Cup milk, warmed to about 100 degrees
¼ Cup butter, room temperature
2 eggs, room temperature
2 Tablespoons lemon curd
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
About 2 Tablespoons chia seeds for dusting
Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees F.
Grease a muffin tin or use paper muffin cups.
Whisk together all the dry ingredients except chia seeds in a large bowl.
In a separate bowl, whisk together the butter and eggs until you get a chunky, sauce-like consistency.
Slowly whisk in the warm milk, lemon curd, and vanilla extract, making sure to not let the butter separate (it shouldn’t if the milk isn’t too warm)
Using a rubber spatula, fold the wet ingredients into the dry for 15-30 seconds, being careful not to over-mix. Lumpy is OK!
Spoon the batter into your prepared muffin pan, filling each cup about 80% full. Sprinkle each muffin with a healthy pinch of chia seeds. Let the batter settle into the cups on your counter for about 10 minutes.
Bake on middle rack for 15-20 minutes, checking for doneness with a toothpick.
Let muffins cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes before eating.
Serve them with cherry preserves, butter, or on their own!
