Don't Buy a Truck, Bake a Cake
You know that person who owns a truck. You know because you’ve called them up and pretended to be their friend and faked interest in their complaints about small parking spots and low garage clearance. You’ve shared a moderately-low-priced beer because your lease is ending and someone needs to move that cushy queen mattress you will never give up. Said truck owner also knows they’re the owner of the truck and they have prostituted themselves for cheap beers and fake friends because that was their entire ploy; truck owners are relentlessly compensating for their impotence, while a rich stew of anger and resentment bubbles beneath their Ford emblazoned baseball hat. Once in a while those feels spew forth, and they mow down a few Civics on the highway.
I’m the friend who bakes birthday cakes.
While I suspect at least 35% of my friends genuinely have some semblance of affection towards me, I cannot help but suspect that a few psychopaths have artfully manipulated my heartstrings in exchange for a three layer strawberry-filled vanilla sponge. Don’t you know how fresh fruit can compromise the structural integrity of a layer cake and that now I have to bake it fresh so the berries don’t bleed like the newly disemboweled corpses in your backyard, Ted?!
Well a member of the 35% minority had a birthday and his gold digger wife finally got her shit together to organize a half-hearted birthday party three weeks later, but given that they are not serial killers they did not request a three layer strawberry-filled vanilla sponge. The only deadly thing about the dear husband is his sweet tooth, so he gets a chocolate cake loaded with more sugar. If you haven’t guessed that I have strong feelings about cakes, then allow me to impose more personal pet peeves upon you – American buttercream can suck my butt.
So, here’s a recipe for a Chocolate S’Mores Fault Line Cake. And yes, we’re making Cinnamon Ermine Frosting because it slaps.
Chocolate Cake:
Ingredients
340g all purpose flour
375g sugar
110g cocoa powder, sifted
3 tsp baking soda
1 ½ tsp baking powder
2 tsp kosher salt
1 ½ c buttermilk
¾ c vegetable oil
5 large eggs, beaten
2 tsp vanilla
1 ½ c boiling water
2 tbsp instant coffee granules
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line 2 9-inch round cake pans and 1 6-inch cake pan with parchment and butter the sides.
Dump all the ingredients into a bowl except the boiling water. Mix with a wooden spoon until well incorporated.
Add the boiling water and stir again until your batter comes together. This looks much thinner than traditional cake batter. Don’t panic!
Divide the batter relatively equally into the three cake pans. Bake at 325 degrees for approximately 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Let cool.
Marshmallow Fluff:
Ingredients:
3 egg whites
Pinch cream of tartar
1/3 cup water
¾ cup sugar
¾ cup corn syrup
1 tsp vanilla extract
Whip egg whites and cream of tartar in a stand mixer on high until soft peaks.
In a small saucepan on high heat, bring water, sugar, and corn syrup to 240 degrees F.
Turn the mixer to high, and slowly stream in the hot sugar mixture, pouring down the side of the bowl.
Add in vanilla.
Whip until the marshmallow fluff looks stiff and airy, about 3-5 minutes.
Cinnamon Ermine Frosting
Ingredients:
2 cups milk
1 cinnamon stick
2 cups sugar
½ cup flour
2 cups salted butter, softened
1 tsp grated cinnamon
In a medium saucepan, heat milk and cinnamon stick over high heat until steaming but not boiling. Remove from heat and let steep 30 minutes.
Remove cinnamon stick from the milk, then slowly add in sugar and flour, whisking constantly to avoid lumps.
Over medium heat, cook the milk mixture until thickened and no raw flour taste remains, approximately 5 minutes. Whisk constantly while cooking to prevent lumps and scorching the bottom.
Remove from heat, cover the surface of the mixture with plastic wrap to avoid forming a skin, then let cool completely.
In a stand mixer, beat butter until fluffy. Slowly add in the cooled milk mixture one spoonful at a time. Add in the grated cinnamon.
Once all of the milk mixture has been added, beat for an additional 5 minutes until the frosting looks smooth and silky.
Cake Assembly:
Cake Soak:
Ingredients:
¼ cup milk or ¼ cup coffee liqueur such as Kahlua or Baileys
Graham crackers, broken into small pieces
Gold edible pigment mixed with 1 tbsp vodka
Various chocolate bars
Level the tops of all of the cakes, then slice horizontally into two layers each.
Brush cake soak onto each layer of the cake.
This cake will be assembled initially as three separate cakes. For each two-layer cake, pipe a border of frosting around the edge of the bottom layer, then fill the center with marshmallow fluff. Sprinkle graham cracker pieces over the marshmallow, then top with the second layer of cake.
Crumb coat each cake with frosting and let chill in the freezer for 15 minutes.
Apply a second layer of frosting to the sides of the 6-inch cake, then completely cover the sides of the cake with bite-sized pieces of chocolate bars.
On top of one of the 9-inch cakes, pipe a 6-inch circle with frosting, then fill in the circle with marshmallow fluff and graham cracker pieces. Carefully place the decorated 6-inch cake over the filling.
Pipe a frosting border on the top of the 6 inch cake, then fill in with marshmallow fluff and graham crackers. Carefully place the second 9-inch cake on top.
Pipe a thick layer of frosting onto the sides of the 9 inch cakes, making sure to create a jagged edge that partially obscures the chocolate bars in the middle. Smooth the frosting on the sides and the top of the cake. Chill in the freezer until firm, approximately 30 minutes.
Once the frosting is firm, using a small paint brush, paint the jagged edges of the frosting with the gold pigment to accentuate the fault line.
And tada! Now you’re that friend who makes all the birthday cakes. Just don’t buy a truck.
