Not For Your Dog’s Diarrhea

When people – even people you know – enter and leave your house in your sleep, it’s a little disturbing. Well my grandfather was a ninja and not only did he traipse through my house, he also conveniently dropped off a chicken on my balcony. So here I was, at the tender age of six, grumpily woken up by the sound of clucking. That chicken and I became fast friends. I named him Tenders.

Grandpa returned a few short hours later with two buckets and asked to see Tenders. I happily handed over my soulmate, and grandpa slit his throat and drained his blood and dunked him in some hot water to pluck him. He told me the blood is the best part, and we had a great time making sausages that night. I learned a life lesson then – friends can also be delicious – and my bloodlust led me to stalk the parking lots of Weight Watchers groups in five different towns in the Pacific Northwest. 

Fast forward a few years. Grandpa is now dead and we went to visit his grave. On our way back, my parents stopped at a countryside restaurant complete with chickens running around in the yard. They pointed to one particular dark-feathered fella. Funny, we had a great chicken stew for lunch and I never saw the bird again. After lunch I entered the kitchen, and the town never saw the cook again either. 

North Americans like to refer to everything as “tasting like chicken.” Tuna – chicken of the sea. Frogs – chicken of the swamp. Susan, the mom who buys cupcakes and puts them in Tupperware for the bake sale – chicken of the PTA. Well, turns out North America doesn’t actually know what chicken tastes like because these franken-birds with Pam Anderson jugs and little legs that can’t bear weight have no more flavor than a tall glass of water. Take my advice: go to an Asian market and get a bird with yellow skin (no, this is not racial, the chicken actually has yellow skin). Or, in my case, don’t, because there’s a fucking pandemic and no one is going to the store these days. Then you make Hainanese Chicken and Rice. This is not just chicken and rice. This is greater than the sum of its parts, it’s easier than you think, and you get to exfoliate a dead chicken. I’m climaxing just reliving it.

Hainanese Chicken and Rice:

Chicken Ingredients:

• 1 whole chicken – get the best chicken you can get because this is the star of the show

• 1 handful salt

• 1 stalk lemongrass

• 1 2-inch chunks ginger

• 3 cloves garlic

• 1 large bowl of ice water

• Garnish: sliced cucumbers or shredded lettuce or cabbage

Examine your chicken, say a word of thanks for its sacrifice, then rip out the chunks of fat that usually reside near the bottom opening of the cavity. Reserve the fat for the rice.

Take handful of salt and rub all over the inside and outside of the chicken. Continue to rub the outside of the chicken and exfoliate until your chicken feels smoother than a baby’s bottom pre-diaper rash. 

Let chicken sit 20 minutes in the salt.

Rinse the salt off of the chicken.

In a large stock pot, add the lemongrass, ginger, and garlic. Add enough water so that once the chicken is in the pot, only the breast pokes out of the water.

Bring the water to a boil, then carefully lower the chicken into the water, breast-side up. This prevents the breast meat from drying out. 

Bring the water back up to a boil, then lower the heat to the lowest setting and let the chicken simmer for 50 minutes until fully cooked – the internal temperature should be 165 degrees.

Carefully remove the chicken from the broth, draining the hot broth from the inside. Try as much as possible not to rip the skin.

Submerge the chicken immediately into ice water and let sit while you cook the rice, around 20 minutes. 

Rice Ingredients:

• 1 cup jasmine or sushi rice

• 1 large pinch salt

• 1 cup chicken broth from boiling chicken, above

• Chicken fat from the chicken

• 1 tbsp minced ginger

• 1 tbsp minced garlic

20 minutes before your chicken is cooked, wash and soak the rice in cold water.

In a nonstick pot, render the chicken fat over medium heat. Add the ginger and garlic and fry for a minute until fragrant.

Drain the rice and add it to the pot, stirring constantly for 5 minutes without browning. Add salt.

Add the chicken broth and bring to a boil, then turn the heat to the lowest setting and let cook for 20 minutes until rice is tender.

Sauces:

Ginger Garlic Sauce Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp minced ginger

• 1 tbsp minced garlic

• 1 stalk green onion, finely sliced

• 1 tsp salt

• ¼ cup canola or vegetable oil 

Combine ginger, garlic, green onions, and salt in a small bowl.

Heat oil in a small sauce pan over high heat until shimmering. Very carefully pour the oil over the rest of the ingredients. You should hear a satisfying sizzle and smell deliciousness as the ginger and garlic bloom. 

Chili Sauce Ingredients:

• 1 thai birds eye chili, thinly sliced

• 2 tbsp chili garlic sauce

• 1 tsp minced ginger

• Juice of half of a lime

• 1 tsp sesame oil

• 2 tbsp chicken broth

Mix all of the ingredients in a small bowl. 

Sa Cha Sauce Ingredients:

• Sa Cha Sauce

Open jar. Add spoon. 

Alternatively: 

• 2 tbsp light soy sauce

• 1 tsp sugar

• 1 tbsp water

Mix everything together. 

To serve, carve the chicken and slice the meat. Dip the meat into the sauces and eat with rice and vegetables, or pour sauces over everything. No one’s going to tell you how to eat.