Eggsplaining Eggplant Stew

I used to have two budgies, one blue and one yellow. They had no names. My cousin came over one day and let the yellow one fly away. The blue one eventually grew depressed by itself, and died. My cousin’s also dead now, of childhood osteosarcoma.

My mother, in her attempt to cheer me up, brought home a goldfish, which she kept in a little container from an empty Ferrero Rocher box. Don’t worry, it was a pretty deep box, they don’t sell them like that anymore, she’s not a monster. The goldfish, bless its heart, lived for a whole year in its little plastic jail. 

When my sister turned 5 years old, I thought I would pass on the joy of goldfish to her, and bought her a lovely 5 gallon tank complete with an electric filter and some plastic grass. We went to the pet store, where she insisted on picking out one giant fucking orange Kool-Aid Man of a goldfish and a teeny, tiny, black companion. They were named Goldie and Lawrence Fishburne. 

In what I now realize is racial commentary, Goldie began to take bites out of Lawrence Fishburne. Every day, a fin or a tail would grow a little smaller. Lawrence Fishburne faded from a jet black to a pale gray, much like if you washed your jeans too often. And just like those jeans, he went from perky to real soft. So soft that one day he flopped belly-up, and draped his dead ass over the plastic grass. Goldie then cannibalized half of his dead carcass before I made my mother scoop out his now-slimy torso and flush him down to Fishy Heaven. In an act of poetic justice, Goldie then got some gross ass parasite disease, and died three days later. I learned that regardless of the fish, they all turn slimy as fuck once they die. You know what they say, all food looks the same once its been chewed. I proceeded to have 10 years of recurring nightmares about dead goldfish. 

Now, in North America, people are not okay with slime; it’s a punishment on kids’ game shows and it’s a childhood toy reviled by parents everywhere. Try serving slimy food on a plate and you’ll get an earful about “it looks like snot” and “I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!” In what I also now realize is racial commentary, people from a slightly more Eastern part of the world, specifically Asia, fucking love slime. It makes for easy, fast eats, and takes very little chewing. It could also be heckin’ flavorful, which is a definite bonus in my books. My therapist told me that I should cook more slimy food as a Corrective Emotional Experience to overcome my trauma of dead goldfish, and then she fired me when I brought a slimy goldfish atop a bed of asparagus to our next session. Now I realize what she meant was to make this delicious eggplant stew. It’s a little slimy, sure, but goddamn if it isn’t full of umami flavors and turns a bowl of rice into a hearty one-pot meal.

Eggplant Stew:

Stew Ingredients:

• 1lb ground meat of any kind (I used Italian sausage but pork, beef, chicken all work)

• 4 cloves garlic, minced

• 1 tbsp ginger, minced

• ¼ c vegetable or canola oil

• 2 large eggplants

• 1 stalk green onions, sliced
  
  

Sauce Ingredients:

• 2 tbsp Shaoxing wine

• 1 tbsp brown sugar

• 2 tbsp light soy sauce

• 1 tbsp dark soy sauce (optional)

• 1 tbsp hoisin 

• 1 tbsp cornstarch 

• 3/4c water

• 1tsp Chinkiang vinegar 

• 1 star anise pod 

Mix all sauce ingredients in a bowl. Set aside.

Cut eggplant into strips about 3 inches long x 1 inch wide. You can use either long or round eggplants, just not the little wee baby ones.

In a large non-stick pan or wok, heat ¼ cup of oil over high heat. Add ground meat, bonus if it looks like a giant phallus in your pan. Brown the meat, using a wooden spoon to break up the pieces until relatively small.

Add garlic and ginger, sauté until fragrant.

Add all of the eggplant, mixing until the pieces are covered in the remaining oil and meat juice in the pan. If the eggplant pieces look dry, you might need to add in a little extra oil, 1-2 tbsp. These are thirsty boys. 

Add all of the sauce ingredients, then cover the pan or wok (I used a silicone lid from IKEA but a sheet pan would also do), then turn the heat to medium-low. Cook for 15 minutes until the eggplant skin turns brownish-purple, and all the pieces have softened and appear translucent. 

Turn the heat back up to high, uncover the pan, and reduce your sauce, stirring occasionally, until it reaches a thickness of your liking. I prefer a velvety sauce that coats the back of a spoon, approximately 5 more minutes. 

Turn off the heat and add in sliced green onions. Serve warm, over rice. As with many stews, this tastes even better reheated the next day.