Readers of this blog know from my previous post how committed I am to RECOVERY. The bad news is I have FALLEN OFF THE WAGON. Please pray for my RECOVERY! Ever since I was ten years old the devil has found a way to get me sloshed whether I want to or not. I have had my license permanently revoked in six states. I have messed myself in public in fine clothes not zero times. Esteemed colleagues have heard my anti-immigration rant (I am a second generation immigrant, so I feel I have a right here) upwards of six times and they have barred me from their baby showers and talked about me from outside closed doors as I sprayed vomit on their fine marble bathroom tile. In other circles I have been very POPULAR because of my drinking, a real CROWD PLEASER such as at the Jolly Roger’s where I often entertained a small audience of day shift bartenders and elderly transients with my lurid and embellished tales of celebrity skins. BUT IT WASN’T THE REAL ME. I know that now. The REAL ME runs a successful, popular, inspiring food blog full of DELICIOUS wholesome recipes for wholesome solids and uplifting observations of DAILY LIFE. Which I cannot offer right now because my head is swimming in bug juice.

Later, when I am back in RECOVERY, I will tell the story of my life and how I came to be a high functioning alcoholic at the age of ten and valedictorian of my elementary school, how I delivered my speech completely hammered to great applause (xenophobic attitudes were actively encouraged then). SOME IMMIGRANTS ARE OK. I understand that now! Life is all about living and growing and learning. Live, laugh, love.

MY RECIPE FOR TODAY IS BLOODY MARY BUT I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT. ALCOHOL IS VERY BAD FOR YOU. If you make this recipe, do NOT add alcohol to it, instead make a ‘Virgin’ Mary. Everyone loves a virgin. This one is dirty because it’s BAD like a ruined woman, which is what I am, and because it contains olive juice.

This recipe makes upwards of EIGHT SERVINGS. I need to fortify myself for the indefinite bender ahead of me with all the VITAMINS and NUTRIENTS this Dirty Mary has to offer. Scale down unless you are a degenerate or a host of a bed and breakfast for dipsomaniacs.

DIRTY MARY:

Ingredients:

8 cups tomato juice
½ cup worcestershire sauce
1.5 tbsp garlic powder
1 tbsp onion powder
1 tbsp chili powder
2 tsp celery seed
¼ cup lemon juice
1 tbsp salt
2 tbsp black pepper
½ tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp fish sauce
½ cup pickle juice
½ cup olive juice
¼ cup hot sauce
2 tbsp horseradish
½ tbs cumin
1 tbsp coriander
Vodka (NOT RECOMMENDED)

Garnish:

Olives
Pickles
Pickled peppers
Celery
Lime
Pickled asparagus
Salt
Chili lime seasoning

MIX everything together except the vodka.

Mix salt and chili lime seasoning together and place on a plate.

Use a lime to wet the outside edge of a pint glass and roll it in the salt to make the salt rim. Do not skip the salt rim, it shows weakness.

Add ice, 1.5 shots of vodka (NOT RECOMMENDED), and Dirty Mary mix.

Place garnishes on a pick and place on top of the drink. Add lime wedge to the rim of the glass.

Finish with a big gross hunk of celery.