Not Kraft Mac N Cheese
When I was a child I used to love boxed Kraft mac n cheese, the prized “homemade” meal of degenerates everywhere (I compiled a list of examples below). Even as a little girl I held my eyebrows scrunched and my mouth pinched, an expression that signified unwavering thirst for crime and vice, and determined frustration with the USDA food pyramid and my own dawdling growth hormones. One day I would be very large and very strong, I thought, while slowly stirring my cherished orange noodle goo, and I would defeat my mother, who insisted on rationing my intake of delicious powdered whey and dangerous UK-banned food dyes and protein concentrate.* But I could not have predicted that though I would go on a decade-long violence-and-crime spree (that my mother was a particular victim of only twice) I would after all find salvation and turn good. That is why I turn my back on the shit food of my early shit life.
Before you eat Kraft mac n cheese consider the company you have chosen:
In Last Days our hero, K. Cobain, makes boxed mac n cheese right before being robbed by his best friend and committing suicide.
In Gurov and Anna, Anna tells Gurov that her favorite food is boxed mac n cheese with catsup. This confession inspires Gurov to rape her.
Lacy Peterson had boxes of Kraft mac n cheese in her pantry the day Scott Peterson murdered her and their unborn child.
In Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, wife-killer Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt) makes boxed mac n cheese in his dirty trailer and has an ugly dog.
The creator of Kraft mac n cheese is Mister Phillip Morris, who eats Kraft mac n cheese every morning, as soon as he wakes up, because the secret ingredient in Kraft mac n cheese is nicotine.
Some biographers maintain that Brian Wilson’s mental decline was due to his eccentric and unhealthy diet of LSD-laced Kraft mac n cheese.
Kraft mac n cheese is an unofficial sponsor of QANON.**
*Since there’s no way to prove this “protein concentrate” isn’t aborted fetal tissue or infant foreskin, I suggest you make your own mac and cheese at home, learn to cook, and grow up.
** Okay so that’s one good thing about Kraft mac n cheese.
Not Kraft Mac n Cheese:
Ingredients:
1 lb rotini pasta
5 strips of bacon
4 jalapenos
1 tbs flour
1 lb sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
3 cups cream or milk or some combination of
½ tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
⅛ tsp nutmeg
1 tsp cayenne (optional)
Black pepper
Salt
Boil rotini in salted water until tender and set aside.
While pasta is boiling cook the bacon and set aside to cool and then roughly chop. Reserve 1 tablespoon of bacon fat.
Mince jalapenos and cook in the remaining bacon fat. Set jalapenos aside.
In a a large pot heat bacon fat and stir in flour to make a roux. Cook on low for about five minutes. It should have a paste-like consistency.
Add cream to the roux slowly and stir to make a bechamel. Bring to a simmer and add seasonings. Cayenne is optional but you might want it if your jalapenos ended up not being very spicy.
Remove the bechamel from the heat. Slowly stir in cheese until it melts. Add jalapenos.
Mix pasta, cheese sauce, and chopped bacon.
Add salt & pepper to taste.
