Homemade Hamburger Helper & Sandy Sandstone Interview
Sandy Sandstone is a fictional model competing in the fantasy America’s Next Top Model game Je Ne Sais Quoi. She is the spitting image of Iman Abdulmajid. This week the final seven contestants were sent interview questions.
People talk about your age a lot. Did you know that? Do you think it gives you an advantage?
I surreptitiously installed cameras throughout the compound, including in bedrooms and shower stalls, I have seen and heard everything. My impression is that the discussion about my age comes from nasty bitches who envy my power and my beauty. My advantage is that I have a lot of life experience——from growing up on a submarine, to spending my adolescence as a crime-obsessed vagrant in Las Vegas, to my four year stint in maximum security, to my long standing career as the most desirable exotic dancer on the West Coast, to my salvation through our Lord, Jesus Christ. It’s been a bumpy road and I have navigated every minute of it with the grace and breathtaking resplendency you’ve all come to expect from me.
Why are you so rude to the other contestants sometimes?
My childhood was a lonely, claustrophobic affair. I do not recommend raising a family on a submarine. I had seven sisters who envied my beauty and intellect to such a degree that they would band together to pummel me with whale bones and diving cylinders. To escape I would take a swim in the ocean, convene with telepathic dolphins. This competition, filled with nasty girls who envy me, who desire to beat me mercilessly if only they could get their hands on me, in such tight, close, competitive quarters, has triggered my PTSD. I lash out to protect myself. This is something I am working on with my therapist.
Was Valerie your lover? Would you kill her if you had to?
Valerie and I go way back. We spent many nights together dancing at Studio 54, and spent almost as many cumulative nights together in emergency rooms for cocaine overdose. We were committed to the same mental institution, and three months later we tied up the nurses and attendants and threw them in the storage closet and made our getaway. Once I began working at the Pretty Pussy Palace she became my private bodyguard. The strength and skill she uses to chuck men down sewer drains and over bridges is a sight to behold. She is classy and cosmopolitan and has the strength of ten bodybuilders even when she isn’t injecting steroids. She is a terrific lover. She left this competition too soon, and I think only because everyone was genuinely afraid of her. I would kill her if I had to, but I would shed soft, sweet tears.
Do you think you peaked in the beginning of the competition? Do you think you’ll ever get your spark back?
Everyone has their best photos at some point, it just so happened that some of mine were near the beginning of the competition. Mind you I got two FCOs when I was competing against 13 or 14 other girls rather than 5 or 6. I am not afraid to be different from the competition, sometimes that is risky because different doesn’t please everyone. People want to kill what they don’t understand. My modeling transcends the banal, the straight, the square, the lurid aesthetics of contemporary modeling. People can’t handle what I bring to the table. My legacy, no matter what the results of JNSQ, is secured. Sandy Sandstone is the greatest model who has ever graced the infinite universe, always and forever in time.
Who do you think is the strongest in the competition? Who is the weakest?
See my comments above. I possess unparallelled inner strength in addition to being the most beautiful human. One night after a particularly degrading episode in a public restroom (Crohn’s disease, opioid withdrawal, a doorless bathroom, the club crowded) I took a scalding, abrasive shower in a Motel 6 and was forced to “face my demons” as they say lying atop a bedspread crusted with semen and bedbug residue. The LORD came upon me with the most beauteous expression and covered me in the sweetest kisses and took me as HIS lover. I am eternally blessed in the eyes of the Lord. I am the Lord’s lover.
As far as the weakest goes, that’s hard to say, as I barely pay attention to the other girls unless they do something to awaken my sexual interest. I think sometimes Odessa’s submissions leave something to be desired, though I enjoyed her last photo, and I would miss watching her shower on my hidden camera feed. But perhaps Odessa’s most stunning, enthralling pictures and interpretations have yet to come. It’s still anybody’s game. Though to be honest, the idea of anyone beating Sandy is an atrocious suggestion.
Homemade Hamburger Helper
Ingredients:
½ white onion
2 cups sliced mushroom
1 bell pepper
4-10 cloves of garlic
1 cup frozen peas
1 lb ground beef
2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp flour
⅔ cups white wine
1.5 cups chicken broth
2 cups half and half
⅛ tsp nutmeg
1 tsp cayenne pepper
8 oz egg noodles
2 cups shredded pepper jack
1. Brown ground beef. Drain and set aside.
2. Saute chopped onions and mushrooms until softened and browned.
3. Add chopped bell pepper, garlic, and peas, saute for another few minutes until the bell pepper begins to soften. Set aside.
4. In a large skillet, melt butter. Add flour and stir to create a roux.
5. Pour wine, chicken broth, and half & half into the roux. Add nutmeg and Cayenne. Bring to a simmer.
6. Add uncooked egg noodles to the liquid. Simmer, covered, until the noodles are al dente. Add more liquid if needed to keep the noodles covered.
7. Add back into the skillet the ground beef and sauteed vegetables.
8. Remove from heat and stir in shredded cheese.
Serve it up!
